More than a year ago, in an unpremeditated move, I have deactivated my Facebook. Even though posts through Facebook allows us to interact and trigger discussions with out friends and get likes, someone once told me that not all people actually like what they see on my feed. It was an eye-opener. No matter how much I try to be positive in my posts, someone is bound to misinterpret and take offense out of it. Since I have deactivated, I have learned that I don't need to please all people and most importantly, I have learned not to care too much about what people will say.
Learning not to care doesn't mean learning not to share. I continued sharing my experience through actual face to face conversations and from time to time, Instagram (because I love photos). I share because I appreciate God's blessings, I share to learn, and when I can, I share to inspire. And I am now making my intentions known as early as now, I am writing this post to hopefully inspire, give hope, and educate. Not shame people. Let us be clear about that :)
A little background, my wife Blanca and I tied the knot 4 years ago. We've encountered a huge heartache during that year as I have shared in this entry. Ever since that heartache, we have tried to move on and kept on trying to conceive as we thought it's going to be the "remedy".
A year went by, still nothing. 2 years, 3 years... still nothing. As I wrote that first phrase, it's as if years went by quickly - it did not. Let me tell you why.
We have tried hard.
We have downloaded every ovulation app, timed our lovemaking according to the calendar, watched our diet, changed our lifestyle, went to the best infertility doctors and then ended up with "unexplained infertility". I always try to be strong in front of my wife as I need to be that rock for her. Deep inside, my heart was crumbling.
Jokes and Jabs are funny, but they do hurt.
The reason why I always remind myself to look at people's intentions is because people can be insensitive. Friends and family will say something that means nothing to them and may have good intentions but can hurt you right in the gut. Countless times, whenever there's a gathering or when we see someone we haven't seen in a long time, people will say to us "O, wala pa ba kayong anak? Ang hina niyo naman." "Pare turuan kita, tatanggalin niyo kasi muna panty at brip niyo, haha" "Mahina pala itong manok natin e, hindi pa din nakakabuo, bilisan mo na, itong si XXX naglalakihan na mga anak", etc.
The people who said these to me are good people. They just want to make the situation lighter that's why they said those things, not to hurt me, but they did a little. If you are one of those people who are blessed with children and you are talking to couples who you know have been trying to conceive, I am going to give you a few tips.
- Let them open up to the topic first. If they do not, it means they are not comfortable sharing it with you
- "Wala pa ba kayong anak?" is not a good way to greet a couple that you clearly not so close to because you don't know what they've been up to lately.
- and if they do open up to the topic and say that unfortunately, they don't have any kids yet, instead of making a joke, just say "don't worry, we will help pray for it" or if you are not religious, just say "it will happen in your own perfect time" or something that will encourage them
If you are guilty of taking a jab of this nature to someone you care about, don't worry, they don't hate you, it might hurt for a little time during their drive home up to before they go to bed but will forget about it the next day.
If you are one of the couples who are still trying to conceive and are having a hard time. It will happen, just don't quit. You will have your own family. May it be through natural birth, adoption, what have you. It will happen. Pray. Claim it. Appreciate life and enjoy that you have a partner to share the bitterness that comes with the sweetness of living. Life is good. And it will get better.
My wife and I have gone through that struggle. I am happy to share that we now have our little bundle of joy and I am telling you, the things we went through made this milestone extra special. I am sharing a picture of our milk-monster to send good vibes.
In a few hours, it will be my wife's birthday. Exactly one week after she gave birth to our little Ava. I am truly blessed to have her as my wife. She stayed strong, not just throughout the whole pregnancy journey, but more importantly, in those tough days of the month where her period will arrive after we've tried our best. Blanca, I love you and thank you for being my rock. I would like to let you know, before Ava, life was already good with you. When you gave me Ava, life has become better :)
Chewy
